Recasting the Expendables with Bad Ass Actresses

The Expendables movies are some of my favorites. Every movie in this franchise is full of a bunch of old school action heroes doing what they do best, kicking ass and making ridiculous one-liners. In all honesty, I wish they would make more of these. Maybe like one a year or something until the end of time. If they take my idea I think we need a total recast of one of these movies with an all women cast. That would be bad ass! Well, lucky for Hollywood I have done all the work and all they have to do is get the actresses together. I have even carried over the incredible, and absurd, character names from the original franchise. Dear Hollywood, don’t let us down!!

The Casting Choices

The OGs

• The Boss: Sly plays the boss of the Expendables. I think Sigourney was made for this role considering she is arguably the OG bad-ass actress. Her portrayal of Ellen Ripley in the Alien franchise is fantastic and she also shows up in Avatar as a pretty cool scientist. Sly is probably the action star everyone thinks of first and Sigourney should be right up there with him. Sly’s name in Expendables is Barney Ross, for her role Sigourney will be Lilith Blair. Lilith is a great leader and wouldn’t ask her squad to do anything she wouldn’t do herself. A very skilled killer with weapons or hand-to-hand, she is definitely not someone to take lightly.

Arguably 2 of my favorite people in Hollywood right now, I love them both.

• Second in Command: Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (wow, what a name), Sly’s right hand man. The perfect actress to step into this role is Charlize Theron. Now you might say, “Is she to good or to popular to play the second in command?” but that is one of the biggest reasons for her casting. There are multiple times Statham and Sly get into arguments but they are always there for each other. I see the same story for Sigourney and Charlize. They are both powerful bad ass leads that will definitely disagree on things but when ass needs to get kicked you wouldn’t want anyone else on your side. Statham is also a bad ass with knives and I see Charlize doing the same thing. Arguably she is now the biggest actress in Hollywood haivng starred in some bad-ass roles from Mad Max to Atomic Blonde to The Old Guard. In this film Charlize plays… Raven Valentine.

These 2 are the same person lol

• Hot Head: Every bad-ass crew has a hot head that you can’t really trust, in Expendables that guy is Dolph Lundgren. He is always fighting the crew and turning his back on them. In my eyes I see Michelle Rodriguez stepping into this role flawlessly. She is known for her role as Letty in The Fast and Furious franchise where she is constantly scowling and fighting with the crew. Low-key I think Michelle Rodriguez is a ridiculous actress but she has made a crap ton of money and plays Letty perfectly lol. Dolph’s character is Gunner Jensen and in our Expendables Michelle plays a hot head named Shabina Pistol. (Shabina in Arabic means “eye of the storm” which is perfect for Michelle)

Angelina just has that look on her face that screams, “come on, try me bitch”

• The Quiet/Hand to Hand Expert: Jet Li fills this role in the Expendables as the character Yin Yang (yikes…). He is stealthy and gets put into some crappy situations because of his size but this also leads to some great dialogue between Li and Stallone. I think this was the one I struggled with the most recasting, but I think Angelina Jolie is a great option here. Looking back on the few Jolie movies I have seen, I don’t remember her having a lot of dialogue and that fits in perfectly with this role. She’s a bad-ass and I can picture her kicking ass with some hand-to-hand combat. Jolie plays Roxy Dangerous in our reboot.

Look at Milla’s face here, that is not someone you want to F with.

• The Gun Expert: This is the crew member that always has the biggest and best guns available. Terry Crews is part of the Expendables crew and has the craziest guns so he is our gun expert. His name is Hale Caeser, which is both ridiculous and incredible all at the same time. I don’t think there is a scene with Crews where he has a full shirt on and he is absolutely jacked in this movie. Our gun expert in our recast is going to be Milla Jovovich. I’ll be totally transparent here, I haven’t seen a single movie she is in because most of them are in the Resident Evil franchise and they seem scary. I do know a few things though: 1. She is a bad-ass and fights zombie things in every movie. 2. She looks tough and like someone I would not mess with. 3. In the posters of her movies she always has some big ass guns. In our recast, Milla plays Bristol Augustus.

Halle definitely gets to bring the dogs from John Wick 3 in case you were wondering.

• The Job Giver: Usually this is an individual that used to be in the crew but got kicked out for being a no-good bastard. I think that is the case for Mr. Church, played by Bruce Willis. He is in the movies sparingly but has the important role of giving the Expendables a job. He comes off as grim, resentful, and honestly a person I would not want to be around. The woman we are casting here has played in 007, John Wick 3, X-Men, and was Catwoman. Of course, it’s the lovely Halle Berry. Maybe this isn’t a perfect casting, but I think she can turn this role around a little bit. Maybe instead of a no-good bastard she plays more of a charming and charismatic job recruiter. Also, I just had to get Halle in the movie; her character is Ms. Domino.

My word Michael B is a good looking individual.

• The Eye Candy: This person has a few significant points to hit in these movies: 1. To be in grave peril. 2. They need help from the Expendables. 3. They’re good looking. In the Expendables that person is a woman by the name of Giselle Itie who plays Sandra. In our recasting we are going with a damn good looking individual and that is going to be the man himself, Michael B. Jordan. I don’t think I have to say much else here, just look at the picture to the right. His character will be Lucas.

Look at these 2. It’s almost like they are made to switch roles.

• The Evil Henchman: One of the best casting choices in Expendables was getting Stone Cold Steve Austin to play the evil henchman, Paine. In most of the movie he just stands in the background looking menacing, but there are a few moments where he kicks ass. (Side note: man is Stone Cold just a cool dude or what?). The first woman that popped into my mind for this role was Uma Thurman. She is scary as hell and not someone you want on your bad side. Picture her in this movie just standing in the background looking terrifying as shit. It may just be because she is the star of the Kill Bill franchise but something about her just seems deadly. She steps into this role as Gemma.

OGs part 2 and literally the same person.

• Random Icon: Everyone knows this role is filled by Arnold in the original Expendables. He honestly just shows up and maybe has 3 minutes of screen time, but it wouldn’t be the same without him. His character’s name is Trench, which I assume is some kind of nickname about something he did in a trench or that he got trench foot. In our remake there is only one woman left that can fill these shoes and that is a woman that starred alongside him! It is the one and only Linda Hamilton from Terminator. She kicks ass in those movies and along with Sigourney is one of the OG women bad-asses. They are like Sly and Arnold. Linda shows up for a few minutes as the character Dune.